Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
