Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
