She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
