i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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