this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party