It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
