is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
