oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sext me about skeletons
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
