I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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