I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
