Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
whose parrot is this?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
