I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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