The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize