i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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