I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
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What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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