Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she was so not down for the gang bang
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
