I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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