moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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