booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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