There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
