some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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