I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
