I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
