so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
