just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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