this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
