In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
