i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
