I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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