Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So squirting runs in the family.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
