woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
