Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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