I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
