I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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