I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
