I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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