I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
