This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
