i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
