Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
