life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
