GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
