You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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