Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
