Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She announced her abortion via fbk
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
