haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
