You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
