The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
