The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
