grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
