I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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