i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
