WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sober January is a disaster.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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